Qualified applicants only need apply...

The telephone in my home office rang yesterday.

"Hello?"

"Mr. Badinov?"

"Yes."

"We're sorry, Mr. Badinov, but the applicant, Ms. Person, has declined your offer due to a misinterpretation of clause 32.8c stating that a romantic relationship may be entered to at a later time if all terms of friendship include the riders for limited term friendship to the aforementioned Ms. Stazia. This offer is too demanding of the time and emotional content of the applicant and she rescinds her application for “friend” at this time."

"Oh, that's a touch disappointing."

"Well, in the future we suggest a revision of your policies on disclosure of personal information and the exchange rate, thereof."

"The rate?"

"Oh, yes. Timing is extremely important in this type of instance. The higher the position the more information should be disclosed as soon as possible in terms that are definable by the recipient applicant."

"I see."

"One must be careful, though, to refrain from releasing details pertaining positions that the applicant might not be qualified for at the time of application.

"For example: the position of 'Beer Buddy'.

"It would be fine to disclose your taste in bar foods, alcohol and mixed drink preference (with deference to one's predilection for "girly drinks" as a topic for later discussion if continued sessions of drinking qualify the applicant for the possible promotion to 'Pal' or 'Buddy'.) Also, one would disclose the preference of card games, darts, billiards or bowling, for example with reference to the locations of drinking."

"I can see that."

"For the same instance, one would refrain from preference in the color of bedroom paint, the pattern of curtains or mention of the closet temptation to dress in women's undergarments and watch Pee-Wee's Bigtop on the big screen TV because these would effect the performance of the Beer Buddy, even though those activities have no bearing on the position."

"Hey!"

"This is all hypothetical, no offense intended."

"I see, I'm sorry."

"Not an issue. Now, compare that to the position listed currently as 'Girlfriend (dating)."

"Okay."

"As the position is more supervisory and includes a fuller disclosure of later confidential information, it would be ill-advised to disclose a taste for such foods and beverages unless the applicant applied at a location catering to those activities listed in the position Beer Buddy as this would convolute the applicants data gathering for reference to possible promotions to Girlfriend (long term), Live-in Girlfriend, Wife or Mistress."

"I see."

"Nor would we disclose the Pee-Wee's Bigtop urges, unless a role-playing clause is an addendum or rider on the sexual contact fulfillment benefits package and even then, one might consider an promotion to Girlfriend (steady) or Girlfriend (Regular) unless the applicant is already being promoted from Booty Call or Bed Buddy."

"This is really becoming complicated."

"It's really quite simple once you understand the guidelines, but they change circumstantially and that's why you retained me to represent you."

"So, back to the original issue: what you're saying is that this young woman refuses to be my friend because she was distressed at the disclosure of other personal information or that she was looking for a position with promotion possibilities and this was not an option at this time, correct?"

"Exactly. Oh, I'm sorry, I have another call I need to take. I will inform you if you have any other applicants. Goodbye."

"Okay, thanks."